Joke of the Day

[. ._]

I googled "random joke generator" and got this from the first website that popped up.

A robot walks into a kitchen.
Says the robot, “Give me two whisky please.”
Says the guy behind the counter, “Can you pay for it, too?”
Says the robot, “Oh, that’s fine, I’m going to kill you anyway.”

What the @#$!? That's a shitty joke!

[Siddley Hawker]

Sounds vaguely German. German humour is nothing to laugh about.

My computer has a chess program and it regularly beats me at the game. I beat it at kickboxing though.

[ex-NWT]

Due to recent budget cuts and the high cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as the continued decline of the U.S. and other economies, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

[bmc]

I just received some awful news. My Thai wife's breast cancer has now spread to her testicles.

[niss]

I had suffered blasting headaches for years. I finally went to the doctor.

The doctor said to me, 'Harry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife. When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of Myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life.

I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

I tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As I admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

[trey kule]

A lovely young thing approached me last night and said she would sleep with me for $100.

I probably should have accepted , because when I asked for $200 she got miffed and walked away.

[razorblade]

b75299b38fd63d92f03009e6f5d2dffc.jpg (80.54 KiB) Viewed 1332 times

Sure, why not.

[Driving Rain]

A pilot and his engineer friend met up one morning on their daily walk to Tim Hortens for their pre-work coffee. The pilot was surprised to see the engineer pushing a beautiful mountain bike with all the bells and whistles.

The pilot inquired ... when did you get the bike?
The engineer said... well your not going to believe this, last night as I took my evening walk in the park a gorgeous blond rode up to me riding this bike. She jumped off the bike and took off all her cloths and said take what you want!
After a minute of contemplation by the pilot, he finally said, great choice.. her clothing probably wouldn't fit.

[bmc]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did..... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half
an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
-----------------------------------------------------------
On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums,
Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the
right answer. They've sent my form back!
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can't afford batteries!

[bmc]

How Irish dancing started:

http://videos2view.net/irish-dance.htm

[Expat]

I Love Christmas Lights, they remind me of
immigrants ...... They all hang together, half of the fuckers don't work
and the ones that do, aren't very bright !!

[Siddley Hawker]

What do you call a cow that has two legs shorter on one side than on the other?
Lean beef.

[trey kule]

A little known fact, is that in 1872 the Arabs started using a sheep's intestine as a condom.
In 1873, the British refined the procedure by removing the intestine from the sheep first.

[Siddley Hawker]

The floods in Thailand are pretty serious. One woman said that by the time she was rescued she was up to her balls in water.

[Siddley Hawker]

Stolen from PPRuNe.

A Korean couple was relaxing in bed when the guy cut a gigantic fart.
"What was that?" asked the wife.
"It was the dog," her husband replied.
"Shut up" retorted the wife, "The dog was cooked perfectly."

[Expat]

Stolen from PPRuNe.

A Korean couple was relaxing in bed when the guy cut a gigantic fart.
"What was that?" asked the wife.
"It was the dog," her husband replied.
"Shut up" retorted the wife, "The dog was cooked perfectly."

Which reminds me that my Korean GF said a while age that I ate dog, and even said after the meal that it was succulent.
Now, if someone would just eat the son of a b8tch barking every night at my window!

[Darkwing Duck]

Stolen from PPRuNe.

A Korean couple was relaxing in bed when the guy cut a gigantic fart.
"What was that?" asked the wife.
"It was the dog," her husband replied.
"Shut up" retorted the wife, "The dog was cooked perfectly."

Which reminds me that my Korean GF said a while age that I ate dog, and even said after the meal that it was succulent.
Now, if someone would just eat the son of a b8tch barking every night at my window!

Why are you not spelling bitch properly? It is not offensive. That dog that barks under your window really is a son of a bitch.

[Shiny Side Up]

A man is drinking with his wife when out of the blue, he announces,
"I love you."
"Is that you or the beer talking?" She asks.
"It's me" he says, "talking to the beer."

[Siddley Hawker]

A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."
He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"
She said, "I think it must be the second coming."
The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?".
She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one........"

[Siddley Hawker]

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.
"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my rib cage.
And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .



"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."