Choosing not to fly -- After a crisis.

[rookiepilot]

I hope this post helps someone out there, in some way. That is my reason I was led to write it at this time.

I am not flying currently, as least not as PIC, and haven't for some time.

I'm not fit to fly as PIC, which as I define as being able to competently, and calmly, handle the worst emergency in the air I can think of, giving myself and my passengers the best posssible chance. By that high standard, I'm not there right now. Hopefully, one day, again.

If I was part of a crew, I could probably manage, but not single pilot, especially with the patients I've flown so often in the past as a volunteer with Hope Air.

After I posted the Swoop post, I realized the severe negativity I've allowed to develop into my posts. This is not who I am, nor I want to be, online or in person. Everyone has a different capacity, for some a long delayed flight would send them into a panic attack. It's not my place, to condemn, nor does it help.

My situation is quite different, and is why I do have a lot of experience in the medical system. It's why I'm so sensitive to the loss of young lives, because we lost ours.

In 2018, after 12 years in full remission, but many, many hospital visits, our beautiful 16 year old daughter's cancer recurred. It was the worst kind, and despite the courageous efforts of Toronto's Hospital for sick children, we lost her almost exactly one year ago.

I'm writing this to reach out to anyone who's gone through serious trauma, affecting life, flying, and everything in between. I've had more than my share, over my lifetime, and I find writing,one of the things that helps. (I'm actually writing a book.) Mental health is so important. I've sought help, and I fully endorse it.

My wife and I remain very close -- she is an angel -- and we are slowly, very slowly, finding our feet again. One day, at a time. I can't wait to volunteer pilot again, I love helping the patients from northern Ontario. But all in good time.

All the best.

"Rookie"

[RedAndWhiteBaron]

My thoughts, my prayers, and my hopes will be with you tonight. Thank you for sharing.

(This post did help me; I lost my mother to cancer, not long ago.)

['97 Tercel]

Wow, brutal...sorry for your loss.

You definitely seem to have a solid handle on your mental state given the shit you've been through.

[digits_]

Makes you realize that behind all those heated arguments stand real life people. It is easy to lose sight of that online.

Wish you all the best in these hard times...

[PilotDAR]

One of my mentors has been my now retired Fire Chief. In my capacity as a firefighter, I was one of the people who cut him out of his crushed pickup truck in year 2000. He was the better part of a year before he was back in action with us. The mentoring was not only all the fire stuff over the years, but much more, he never said a negative word the entire time he was recovering, nor since the accident he was involved in. He inspired me to promise to myself that if anything bad ever happened to me, that I must rise to his standard, and never complain, nor feel sorry for myself. I had to honour up to that.

He was there when they pulled me out of the lake, and, to see me in hospital very frequently. Though we have both retired from the fire department, we still visit regularly, and enjoy entirely positive spirit between us. I have found that by being positive, even when things may be negative, relieves stress. People around me can relax a little. Of course, I cannot impose positivity upon others, each to their own, I have no right to judge, just to do my best in my own conduct toward people around me. I listened to nurses being verbally abused by other patients, and still being gracious - I made it my mission to know every nurse by name, and treat them with the greatest appreciation I could express. I told them it was my hope that when I was released, they'd sit around the lunch table, and say I was the most appreciative patient they ever had. Several said, "we already do." Mission working...

I met so many many other patients in hospital, who were having a much less good life than I. No matter what doctors told me, I could still feel very lucky, and still do to this day. I was lucky before I went bump, and I'm lucky now, it's just a different lucky. I have a lot of empathy for what Rookie has gone through, I can't say that I've been there, few of us have, but, I have an idea, and it's tough.... and sad.... A part of my decision to retire from the fire department was the terrible event of the van driver mowing down so many innocent people on Yonge street a few years back. It would be really hard to be a first responder to that, and still express positivity. I saw PTSD on my horizon, it was time to leave, before I was a victim of that, so I could be positive for my family. Now I have two grandkids who look at me as they know I love them - no PTSD in the middle of that!

Everyone is entitled to experience what they do in their own way. We all must extend some empathy, and judge less. I didn't know if I'd want to fly again after being shot through the windshield into the water. 'Turns out I still enjoy flying, and people wold like my services as a pilot. And, I can still fly, which is its own special privilege. I have never thought less of a pilot who chooses to not fly, that's just wise thinking, if a pilot is not ready, no point bothering them into it. Inspire, yes, pester or shame, no.

Anyone who's posting or reading here can find something to feel lucky about, even something small. Appreciate whatever it is, and we'll appreciate it with you - it does not need to be grand, it just needs to be something you appreciate.

So Rookie, hang in there, live the life you want to live, fly, don't fly, but be happy with your choice....

[Crazed Windscreen]

During a very difficult period in our lives as a family I was called at home by my wife who was trying to get a hold of our son.

We had been around the patch with him since his teenage years and he was on the back side of rehab that didn't take and we were worried beyond belief. On top of that were were going through the process of getting custody of his son as his girlfriend was an addict as well. (Thankfully our grandson was born healthy).

When my wife called we hadn't heard form our son in weeks. She could hear his phone ringing inside his apartment when she called it. She got in the house but the bedroom door was locked. Strange as he lived alone.

Needless to say she was losing it when she called.

Rather than calling police I got in my truck and headed over. By the time I got out onto the main street i was completely out of it.
Next thing I knew I was doing 120 kph going through traffic like a mad man.

When I got there I kicked the door in and he was just passed out from drinking all day. But we had feared the worst. As he had started harming himself with more than just booze.

I drove home sobbing realizing where I was mentally. My first call was to my ops manager to tell him I was removing myself from duty.
My second call was to the police to turn myself in for endangering peoples lives. The officer that came to the house was one that had brought our son home many times during his youth. We chatted for a while and told him what my plan was. He stood up and said for a guy who has done everything right for everyone else, it's time to do something right for yourself. He was right.

I think as pilots we are programed to take on responsibilities that others shy away from. We see a need or a solution and we put ourselves out there to get the job done. Often this has no repercussions to us. But other times it does.

I returned to flying later that year.
4 years later our grandson is the joy of our life. Our son continues to to struggle but at least it's 2 steps forward with 1 backwards now, mom has not been seen since.

Although this took a toll on us, my wife and I survived. Relationship intact.

Stepping away from the job was the best thing I did. Any employer worth there salt will support you and your family getting the help you need.

We all have a story

[RedAndWhiteBaron]

During a very difficult period in our lives as a family I was called at home by my wife who was trying to get a hold of our son.
<snip>

And thank you too, sir/ma'am, for sharing.

[Jet Jockey]

I am terribly saddened to hear about your daughter. Stories like this hit me in the heart.

I cannot imagine losing a child, it is not normal to outlive our offsprings.

I cannot fathom the courage needed to go through an ordeal like the one your wife, your entire family and yourself have experienced.

May the days ahead bring some sense of normality back into your lives and I certainly wish that you can be well enough to go back to your flying job.

Best wishes.

Jet Jockey

[Daniel Cooper]

Just when you're wondering what the point of this forum is, there a wonderful thread like this. Thank you.

[Crazed Windscreen]

During a very difficult period in our lives as a family I was called at home by my wife who was trying to get a hold of our son.
<snip>

And thank you too, sir/ma'am, for sharing.

Thank you

I share this story often, as it is good to say the words. It helps me to put this part of my life into perspective with all of the other parts.

Rookie pilot, know that you are not alone.

One of the most compelling moments in all of this was a session with my psychologist where he told my story back to me.
He told the whole story from start to finish. It took the whole hours session and it was astounding. The emotions that came out of me during that hour had been bottled up for years/decades.

When your story back to you from someone else you suddenly realize how long you have been swimming in a river of sh!t.
That you have to stop swimming in that river.
And that you can climb the bank any time and stop.
Take over YOUR life.

As Rookie pilot grieves so do I.

I grieve for my grandson. And the mother and father he will probably never have. It is a lose that he will live with as he gets older to.
When I took my time away from work I sat down with him and pinned my wings on him and told him I was going to stay home with him for a while.
He put both hands on my face looked me in the eyes and said..."Grandpa are you happy"? he was 3.

[iflyforpie]

I’m sorry for your loss, rookie. Being the father of two healthy teenagers with their whole lives ahead of them; I couldn’t imagine.

I never had a crisis like that while I had a pilot’s licence. I lost my father suddenly in car accident when I was 17 while I was halfway around the world. Didn’t even go to the funeral. While emotionally I recovered very quickly, I almost used it as an excuse for bad behaviour... and wound up barely passing grade 12 and with no options or direction for post secondary.

Ultimately, it wound up motivating me because I could help the overall situation by getting out and working, meaning my mother only had to feed two kids. I wanted to be a pilot but I knew that wasn’t going to happen so I worked for one year and then became an AME since it only required two years of school, tuition was paid for, and paid a lot more than piloting or a minimum wage job to start.

Now that I’m doing medevac flying there is potential for emotions and attachments to influence decision making and I must always be on guard against them. Fortunately my job is mostly low acuity, all days, and 15 days a month.

For the most part—and I’ll offer this advice to anyone who flies medevac—by the time you get there it rarely matters. The patient has to be stable enough to transport. If they aren’t, they’ll die there whether you come or not. If they are, the likelihood of them dying from a delay of a few hours or even a day is unlikely.

I’ll echo CWE’s signature that nobody has died because of my decision not to fly.

And I do have to balance that all with crises. Not extreme ones, but not insignificant ones either. Often the cumulative toll of low level crises can also bring someone down. This is where overeating and drinking and credit-fuelled retail therapy and lethargy and internet trolling can often tighten the spiral.

Perhaps those people who got denied the Swoop flight were right on the ragged edge. Working too hard, dealing with all kinds of things, money poor, time poor, and put a cheap trip on credit to try and reset only to make it worse.

But also, life goes on. I got my drivers licence only three months after my dad died as well as a car to use and it was freedom. Maybe being 17 and still feeling invincible had something to do with it.

We don’t know what fate will befall us. Only we know whether we are fit to do something. But I wouldn’t want to be the reason someone stops doing something. The best way to honour someone’s memory is to keep on living. To use their death as a reminder that life is temporal, and that is what makes it beautiful.

I hope you get to fly as soon as you can. Thanks for sharing, and God bless.

[rookiepilot]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies, and your own sharing. There are many kinds of grief, I've learned.

Perhaps I reacted to the swoop story, in judgement, about what a "crisis" is. Not fair, as I've flown a ton. But maybe one of those folks were I like I was, when I found out my daughter's cancer returned. I must have looked awfully panicked to everyone.

I was in Paris, travelling alone as I have many, many times, on my way to a "stan" country. My wife called me 3 or 4 times in a row, which never happens. Told me doctors had found a huge mass and they were going to do immediate emergency surgery, with an unknown outcome. I could not get home until the next day, my wife had to deal with it alone (thankfully we have a lot of supportive friends)

That was the longest, worst night of my life, followed by an eight hour flight home, coach, jammed full flight, with the tears unstoppable. The FA's were very kind (Thank you AC)

Would not wish that day on anyone.

[PersonPersonson]

Thanks for sharing. Sorry for your loss.
A great example for young pilots who think they have to act bulletproof. Take the time when you need it. How a company responds in a situation like this tells you and others how long employees will stick around. Some companies are revolving doors and some are not. Really not that hard to figure out why.

[Beefitarian]

That's harsh rookie. I can't fully imagine, I have a daughter the same age.

I honestly hope time will heal you to the point of being able to get back to full emotional strength.

[rookiepilot]

Bit of a follow up.

Shortly after I learned to fly, my daughter contracted cancer for the first time. At the age of 2. Extraordinarily rare, as was the recurrence in 2018. It's something we've lived with for most of her life.

Partly because of this event, and many, many months in and out of hospitals, I developed a lot of compassion for other families dealing with serious illnesses, especially with their children.

I vividly remember one man, crying as he told me he would be fired if he missed any more work due to his daughter's illness. That's the sad reality out there.

Thankfully, all these years I've been self employed, and so I did not have this type of hardship.

There is a whole universe of people dealing with long term chronic care issues, I saw a lot of this at Sickkids Hospital, where the most difficult cases arrive.

I began doing a lot of flying for Hope Air, (as a volunteer) for this reason, to help families far from primary care services, for whom this stuff is twice as difficult. I'm sure I'll return to this when the time is right.

Anyway Hope Air is a good charity to consider. The airlines do help them, to some degree.

Another excellent one is Ronald Macdonald House, where parents from out of town with seriously ill children, can stay and access meals. They operate all over Canada (and I believe the US, too).

Just putting these out there.

[RedAndWhiteBaron]

Would not wish that day on anyone.

I had the "honour" of calling my family, informing them of my mother's passing, after she died in my arms. My hair was literally falling out of my head - clumps of it.

I would not wish that day on anyone.