A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment
> > to a couple of his friends late one night, and led
> > the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass
> > gong and a mallet.
> >
> > What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
> >
> > It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
> >
> > A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
> >
> > Yup," replied the drunk.
> >
> > How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
> >
> > Watch," the drunk replied.
> >
> > He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering
> > pound, and stepped back.
> >
> > The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
> >
> > Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
> > "You asshole...it's three-fifteen in the morning!"
Crappy joke of the day
Moderators: sky's the limit, sepia, Sulako, lilfssister, North Shore
A piece of rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender, albeit amazed, tells the rope that they dont serve ropes at that bar.
The rope walks out and starts unravelling the top end and and ties a knot into itself and messes up the frills a bit.
the rope walks back into the bar and orders again. the artender sais to the rope:
"Arent you the rope that just left here?"
the rope replies:
"No, I'm a frayed knot"
The rope walks out and starts unravelling the top end and and ties a knot into itself and messes up the frills a bit.
the rope walks back into the bar and orders again. the artender sais to the rope:
"Arent you the rope that just left here?"
the rope replies:
"No, I'm a frayed knot"
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a
very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch
hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other an ex-con. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to
hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than
the ex-con.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot
about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing
very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go
into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One
o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock, and no hired hand.
He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she
directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by
her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her
eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly
pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired."
very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch
hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other an ex-con. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to
hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than
the ex-con.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot
about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing
very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go
into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One
o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock, and no hired hand.
He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she
directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by
her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her
eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly
pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired."
There's this man taking a walk around the red light district and he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The Hooker With Three Breasts...". The man get's just a little interested and thinks: "Well... that could be a once-in-a-lifetime experience." So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the counter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts," he says.
"Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand dollars," the pimp replies. But, the man is too exited, pulls his wallet and pays him the money. So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room... there she is. The room is dark, but as he comes closer he sees it... three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life.
The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.
But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong... "Hey! You had three breasts yesterday," he says after which she smiles and says, "What did you expect honey... you can only suck out a boil like that once!"
"Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand dollars," the pimp replies. But, the man is too exited, pulls his wallet and pays him the money. So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room... there she is. The room is dark, but as he comes closer he sees it... three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life.
The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.
But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong... "Hey! You had three breasts yesterday," he says after which she smiles and says, "What did you expect honey... you can only suck out a boil like that once!"
If you think a professional costs a lot, wait until you see what an amateur will cost you 
A lady noticed her pet dog was pawing at his ears and was becoming deaf so she took it to the vet.
The vet examined the dog and said the problem was too much hair.
"Go to the drugstore and buy some Nair hair remover and the dog will be just fine".
So the lady does just that.
When she takes her purchases to the counter the druggest says "If you are using this underarms, do not use a deodorant for 3 days"
She replies "I am not using it underarms"
The druggest then says, "If you are using it on your legs, do not shave them for 6 days"
"I am not using it on my legs, It is for my schnauzer"
"Well, in that case, do not ride your bicycle for a week"
The vet examined the dog and said the problem was too much hair.
"Go to the drugstore and buy some Nair hair remover and the dog will be just fine".
So the lady does just that.
When she takes her purchases to the counter the druggest says "If you are using this underarms, do not use a deodorant for 3 days"
She replies "I am not using it underarms"
The druggest then says, "If you are using it on your legs, do not shave them for 6 days"
"I am not using it on my legs, It is for my schnauzer"
"Well, in that case, do not ride your bicycle for a week"
The average pilot, despite the somewhat swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring.
These feelings just don't involve anyone else.
These feelings just don't involve anyone else.
So the teacher askes all the kindergarten kids to sit around her in a circle.
She says to the class - "today we are going to play a game, I'll say a letter and you raise your hand and if I pick you, you say a word that starts with the letter".
She starts with A - all the kids raise their hands yelling "pick me...miss...pick me". She looks around and sees little Johny with his hand up. Oh she thinks to herself, John is a foulmouthed little boy and he would say some word like asshole....so she picks little Mary. Mary stands up and says "Apple, apple starts with A". "Very good says the teacher".
Next letter she calls out is B - all the kids raise their hands yelling "pick me...miss...pick me". She looks around and sees little Johny with his hand up. Oh she thinks to herself, John is a foulmouthed little boy and he would say some word like bullshit....so she picks little Todd. Todd stands up and says "Brown , brown starts with B". "Very good says the teacher".
Next letter she calls out is C - all the kids raise their hands yelling "pick me...miss...pick me". She looks around and sees little Johny with his hand up. Oh she thinks to herself, John is a foulmouthed little boy and he would say some word like cocksucker....so she picks little Emily. Emily stands up and says "Cow, cow starts with C". "Very good says the teacher".
And on and on it goes until they get to R - all the kids raise their hands yelling "pick me...miss...pick me". She looks around and sees little Johny with his hand up. Oh she thinks to herself, John is a foulmouthed little boy but what sort of swear word starts with R... she thinks of none so she picks little Johny feeling quite safe and smug at having out manuvered Johny .
Little Johny stands up and says "Rats...big FUCKING rats starts with R"
The teacher fainted
She says to the class - "today we are going to play a game, I'll say a letter and you raise your hand and if I pick you, you say a word that starts with the letter".
She starts with A - all the kids raise their hands yelling "pick me...miss...pick me". She looks around and sees little Johny with his hand up. Oh she thinks to herself, John is a foulmouthed little boy and he would say some word like asshole....so she picks little Mary. Mary stands up and says "Apple, apple starts with A". "Very good says the teacher".
Next letter she calls out is B - all the kids raise their hands yelling "pick me...miss...pick me". She looks around and sees little Johny with his hand up. Oh she thinks to herself, John is a foulmouthed little boy and he would say some word like bullshit....so she picks little Todd. Todd stands up and says "Brown , brown starts with B". "Very good says the teacher".
Next letter she calls out is C - all the kids raise their hands yelling "pick me...miss...pick me". She looks around and sees little Johny with his hand up. Oh she thinks to herself, John is a foulmouthed little boy and he would say some word like cocksucker....so she picks little Emily. Emily stands up and says "Cow, cow starts with C". "Very good says the teacher".
And on and on it goes until they get to R - all the kids raise their hands yelling "pick me...miss...pick me". She looks around and sees little Johny with his hand up. Oh she thinks to herself, John is a foulmouthed little boy but what sort of swear word starts with R... she thinks of none so she picks little Johny feeling quite safe and smug at having out manuvered Johny .
Little Johny stands up and says "Rats...big FUCKING rats starts with R"
The teacher fainted
>A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive
>woman.
>
>The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
>gentleman
>seated over there," indicating the sender.
>
>She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
>decided
>to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a
>response,
>took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
>
>The note read .
>"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
>a
>million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
>
>After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
>return.
>He folded the note, handed it! to the waiter and instructed him to return
>this to
>the woman.
>
>It read .
>"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes
>CL600,
>a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful homes in
>California, Aspen, Colorado and Miami. There is over twenty million dollars
>in my
>bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut
>three
>inches off. Just send the bottle back."!!
>woman.
>
>The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
>gentleman
>seated over there," indicating the sender.
>
>She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
>decided
>to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a
>response,
>took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
>
>The note read .
>"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
>a
>million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
>
>After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
>return.
>He folded the note, handed it! to the waiter and instructed him to return
>this to
>the woman.
>
>It read .
>"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes
>CL600,
>a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful homes in
>California, Aspen, Colorado and Miami. There is over twenty million dollars
>in my
>bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut
>three
>inches off. Just send the bottle back."!!
If you think a professional costs a lot, wait until you see what an amateur will cost you
-
rotateandfly
- Rank 5
- Posts: 386
- Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2005 7:53 am
- Location: right here
-
niss
- Top Poster
- Posts: 6745
- Joined: Sat Jun 25, 2005 8:54 pm
- Location: I'm a CPL trapped in a PPL's Body.
- Contact:
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between
a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside!
What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to West Virgini a ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo!"
Why do drivers' education
classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong
What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t"
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Juan on Juan
What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between
a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside!
What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to West Virgini a ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo!"
Why do drivers' education
classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong
What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t"
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
She’s built like a Steakhouse, but she handles like a Bistro.
Let's kick the tires, and light the fires.... SHIT! FIRE! EMERGENCY CHECKLIST!
Let's kick the tires, and light the fires.... SHIT! FIRE! EMERGENCY CHECKLIST!
Three pilots and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three pilots each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three pilots.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The pilots take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket please" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The pilots saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the pilots decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed pilot.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three pilots cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the pilots are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three pilots.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The pilots take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket please" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The pilots saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the pilots decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed pilot.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three pilots cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the pilots are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
If you think a professional costs a lot, wait until you see what an amateur will cost you
>Snow in Jamaica
A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a blackman, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?"
"I can't tell you" the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?" I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the black man. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is "Snow!" the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter.
The black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it". The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of snow everyday in Jamaica!"
A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a blackman, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?"
"I can't tell you" the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?" I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the black man. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is "Snow!" the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter.
The black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it". The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of snow everyday in Jamaica!"
If you think a professional costs a lot, wait until you see what an amateur will cost you
-
Siddley Hawker
- Rank 11
- Posts: 3353
- Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2004 6:56 pm
- Location: 50.13N 66.17W
A teacher was instructing her kindergarten class and said, "Today class, we're going to do a little experiment. I'm going to give you each a roll of Life Savers and you will describe what each colour tastes like."
She distributed the candy to the children. "Now class" she said holding up a green one, "what is this colour?"
Jimmy raised his hand "Green!"
"Very good, Jimmy," praised the teacher, "and what does green taste like?"
"Lime" shouted Jane from the front of the class.
"Correct, and what colour is this one?" she asked, holding up a red one.
"Red," mumbled little Donny.
"Very good, Donny, and what does it taste like?"
"Cherry!" yelled Billy.
"Excellent! Now class, here's a hard one. This one," the teacher continued, "looks like a yellow one, but it's not it's gold coloured. Can anyone tell me what it tastes like?"
The class was silent. "Ok class" continued the teacher, "here's a clue. Bees make it."
Nobody ventured a guess. Somewhat surprised the teacher tried another approach. "Ok," she said, "here's another clue. It's something your mommy calls your daddy."
From the back of the room little Johnny yelled "Quick spit it out, spit it out. It's a asshole!"
She distributed the candy to the children. "Now class" she said holding up a green one, "what is this colour?"
Jimmy raised his hand "Green!"
"Very good, Jimmy," praised the teacher, "and what does green taste like?"
"Lime" shouted Jane from the front of the class.
"Correct, and what colour is this one?" she asked, holding up a red one.
"Red," mumbled little Donny.
"Very good, Donny, and what does it taste like?"
"Cherry!" yelled Billy.
"Excellent! Now class, here's a hard one. This one," the teacher continued, "looks like a yellow one, but it's not it's gold coloured. Can anyone tell me what it tastes like?"
The class was silent. "Ok class" continued the teacher, "here's a clue. Bees make it."
Nobody ventured a guess. Somewhat surprised the teacher tried another approach. "Ok," she said, "here's another clue. It's something your mommy calls your daddy."
From the back of the room little Johnny yelled "Quick spit it out, spit it out. It's a asshole!"
-
Siddley Hawker
- Rank 11
- Posts: 3353
- Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2004 6:56 pm
- Location: 50.13N 66.17W
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't." she says. "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't." she says. "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
If you think a professional costs a lot, wait until you see what an amateur will cost you
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.
Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once,
on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came
upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't
listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed
biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over,
ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I
yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to
me!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.
Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once,
on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came
upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't
listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed
biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over,
ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I
yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to
me!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman
standing alone.
He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
most - cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Beertits," he said
standing alone.
He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
most - cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Beertits," he said
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion,
multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when
at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I
noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a
golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
"I don't remember much after that ..."
multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when
at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I
noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a
golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
"I don't remember much after that ..."
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
GOLFERS NIGHTMARE!
One Saturday morning, I got up early, and I put on my thermal underwear.
I dressed very quietly. I made my lunch, grabbed my golf clubs from the spare room, and then went to the garage, put my golf clubs in the boot, and drove out the driveway.
Driving out of the garage, rain was pouring down; it was a torrential down pour.
There was hail mixed in with the rain, and the wind was blowing at 70 kph.
Minutes later, I returned to the garage.
I went back into the house, and turned the TV on to the weather channel.
I discover it's going to be bad weather all day long. I took the clubs back out of the boot, returned them to the spare room, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different type of activity on my mind, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replied,
"I know!..........Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in this shit."
One Saturday morning, I got up early, and I put on my thermal underwear.
I dressed very quietly. I made my lunch, grabbed my golf clubs from the spare room, and then went to the garage, put my golf clubs in the boot, and drove out the driveway.
Driving out of the garage, rain was pouring down; it was a torrential down pour.
There was hail mixed in with the rain, and the wind was blowing at 70 kph.
Minutes later, I returned to the garage.
I went back into the house, and turned the TV on to the weather channel.
I discover it's going to be bad weather all day long. I took the clubs back out of the boot, returned them to the spare room, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different type of activity on my mind, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replied,
"I know!..........Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in this shit."
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
An old gent moved into a retirement community where good-looking,
eligible men are at a premium.
After he had been there for a week he went to confession and said,
"Bless me father, for I have sinned. Last week I had my way with seven
different women."
The priest said, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink
the juice without pausing."
"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"
"No," replied the priest, "but it'll wipe that grin off your face."
eligible men are at a premium.
After he had been there for a week he went to confession and said,
"Bless me father, for I have sinned. Last week I had my way with seven
different women."
The priest said, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink
the juice without pausing."
"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"
"No," replied the priest, "but it'll wipe that grin off your face."
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it,and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well,that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and
brimstone oratory he claimed, " Well brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I Found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and webegan to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul and just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out with my bear".
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it,and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well,that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and
brimstone oratory he claimed, " Well brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I Found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and webegan to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul and just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out with my bear".
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use
>>the
>>word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My
>>family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It
>>was
>>fascinating."
>>
>>
>> The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the
>>word
>>"fascinate, not fascinating".
>>
>> Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock
>>City
>>and I was fascinated."
>> The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted
>>you
>>to use the word "fascinate."
>>
>> Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because
>>she
>>had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided
>>there was
>>no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
>>
>> Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons,
>>but her
>>tits are so huge she can only fasten eight."
>> The teacher sat down and cried
>>the
>>word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My
>>family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It
>>was
>>fascinating."
>>
>>
>> The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the
>>word
>>"fascinate, not fascinating".
>>
>> Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock
>>City
>>and I was fascinated."
>> The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted
>>you
>>to use the word "fascinate."
>>
>> Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because
>>she
>>had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided
>>there was
>>no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
>>
>> Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons,
>>but her
>>tits are so huge she can only fasten eight."
>> The teacher sat down and cried
If you think a professional costs a lot, wait until you see what an amateur will cost you
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"And then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"And then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"And then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"And then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
If you think a professional costs a lot, wait until you see what an amateur will cost you
-
mellow_pilot
- Rank 10
- Posts: 2119
- Joined: Wed Aug 17, 2005 1:04 am
- Location: Pilot Purgatory
Willy is tired of being made fun of for being a weakling, so he diecides to prove how tough he really is. He gets his name tatooed on his johnson. When he's excited it says 'WILLY' but the rest of the time it just says 'WY'.
Eventually Willy comes into some money and decides to take a vacation to Jamaica. After the long flight he really has to go, so he heads for the bathroom. As he's standing at the urinal, a local comes in.
Willy notices that the gentleman has 'WY' tatooed on his johnson as well! So he asks, "Hey there, I don't mean to pry, but does yours say 'WILLY' too?"
The guy replys, "No mon! E sez 'Welcom to Jamaica, 'ave a nice day'"
Eventually Willy comes into some money and decides to take a vacation to Jamaica. After the long flight he really has to go, so he heads for the bathroom. As he's standing at the urinal, a local comes in.
Willy notices that the gentleman has 'WY' tatooed on his johnson as well! So he asks, "Hey there, I don't mean to pry, but does yours say 'WILLY' too?"
The guy replys, "No mon! E sez 'Welcom to Jamaica, 'ave a nice day'"
Dyslexics of the world... UNTIE!
