Crappy joke of the day

[lazionic]

Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street, and they
>>see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts
>>$2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each. Bubba says to his pal,
>>"Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these,
>>take'em back to Newfoundland, sell 'em to our friends, and
> >make a fortune. "Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they
>>hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not
>>wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow
>>Nova Scotia drawl so's they don't know we is from the >rock."
>
>>They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Scotian drawl,
>I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there
>shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50
>>each. I'll back up my pickup and....."
>
>The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from
>Newfoundland,
>>ain't ya?"
>
>Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you
>knowed
>that?"
>Because this is a dry-cleaners."

[lazionic]

Q: What separates flight attendants from the scum of the earth?
A: The cockpit door!

Q: What is the difference between a flight attendant and a jet engine?
A: The jet engine stops whining at the gate.

Q: How does a blind parashutist know when he's to hit the ground?
A: His guide dog leash goes slack.

Q: How does the Airbus 380 manage to climb?
A: By the bend of the earth!

Q: Why does the Pope kiss the ground each time that he lands?
A: Did you ever fly with Alitalia?

Q: What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A: A pilot and the dog....the pilot to feed the dog and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch something.

Q: How many pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one . He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Q: How do you know if there is a pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you .

Q: What do pilots use for birth control?
A: Their personality.

[lazionic]

A hippie spies a pretty young nun on a bus. He sits down next to her,
> >and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
> >
> >
> >"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands
> >up, and gets off at the next stop.
> >
> >
> >The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
> >
> >
> >I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
> >
> >
> >"Yeah?", says the hippie.
> >
> >
> >"Yeah!", says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery
> >every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to
> >do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder
> >stuff
> >
> >
> >in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
> >
> >
> >The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the
> >cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
> >
> >
> >"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low
> >about his face. "Have sex with me."
> >
> >
> >The nun agrees without question, but begs him to
> >restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to
> >lose her virginity.
> >
> >
> >'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
> >
> >
> >As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood
> >with a flourish. "Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!"
> >
> >
> >"Ha-ha," cries the "nun". "I am the bus driver!

[tellyourkidstogetarealjob]

A woman goes to her doctor and complains that she and her husband are no longer having sexual relations. In despair, she begs him to give her something that'll put the spice back in their marriage.

The doctor provides her with a supply of little blue pills. "Grind one up an dissolve it in a hot drink," he says. "Come back in a weeks' time and let me know how it works out."

The following week she's back in his office.

"Oh, doctor," she says. "It was wonderful!"

"I did exactly what you said. I put a pill in his morning coffee and, after a little while, he looked up at me from the paper and gave me that old look he used to give me."

"Then," she continues,"He reached forward and grabbed me with animal passion and we proceeded to make beautiful love! ...Right there!... On the table!"

"On the table?" says the doctor.

"Yes," says the woman matter-of-factly, "it was a little embarrassing, but we won't go back to that restaurant again."

[I'd_fly_a_broom]

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"ey, where's my tractor?"


:S

[I'd_fly_a_broom]

a Scotsman driving through Europe and an Englishman driving in the
opposite direction. In the middle of the night, with no other cars on the

road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different

directions.


The Scotsman manages to climb out of his car and survey the damages.


He looks at his twisted car and says, "Jesus, I am really lucky to be

alive!"


Likewise, the Englishman scrambles out of his car and looks at his

wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this

wreck!"


The Englishman walks over to the Scotsman and says, "You know, I think

this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and

live as friends instead of such rivals.


"The Scotsman thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely

right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived the

wreck."


So, the Scotsman pops open his boot and finds a full unopened bottle of

Whisky. He says to the English fella, "I think this is another sign from

God that we toast to our new found understanding and friendship."


The Englishman says, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and

starts sucking down the Whisky. After putting away nearly half the

bottle, the Englishman hands it back to the Scotsman and says, "Your

turn!"


-

-


The Scotsman twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nah, I think

I'll wait for the police to show up."

[Siddley Hawker]

Ten old west expressions you'll no longer hear since that movie came out:

10..I'm a gonna fill you fulla lead!"

9..."Give me a stiff one, barkeep."

8..."Don't fret, I've been in tight spots before."

7..."Howdy partner!"

6..."You stay here while I sneak around behind."

5...Two words...saddle sore.

4..."Hold it right there! Now, move yer hand reeeaall slow like."

3..."Let's mount up!"

2..."That's a real nice spread you got thar."

1..."Ride 'em cowboy!"

[grounded]

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?





The taste.

[xqs-me]

A guy walks up to his dad and and tells him... "Dad I just had my first sexual experince"
His dad all exited goes "All right, thats my man!!!!!!... come sit down and tell me the details!!!!!
The kid goes.. "I'll tell you details but I can't sit down until the pain in my ass goes away!!! hahahahha!

[40 Set&Indicated]

What's the difference between an pilot and an alcoholic?
Pilots are............... Oh. Never mind.

[lazionic]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.
> >
> >The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a
>
> >torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son
> >and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
> >
> >After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.
> >
> >Dad takes him to the pub, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him
> >and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
> >
> >With all the locals looking on curiously, and the landlord shaking his
> >head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
> >
> >Bang! A torso pops out!
> >
> >The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
> >
> >The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
> >
> >The locals chant "Have another drink!"
> >
> >The landlord shakes his head in
> >dismay.
> >
> >Bang! Two arms pops out!
> >
> >The bar goes wild.
> >
> >The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
> >
> >The patrons chant "Have another drink!"
> >
> >The landlord ignores the whole affair.
> >
> >By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches
> >down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
> >
> >Bang! Two legs pop out.
> >
> >The pub is in chaos.
> >
> >The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands
> >up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right....
> >through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him
> >and kills him instantly.
> >
> >The pub falls silent.
> >
> >The father moans in grief.
> >
> >The landlord sighs, stares into the boy's empty glass, and says...
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "He should have quit while he was a head!"

[lazionic]

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?â€

[YACdirect]

It's not mine but it's still pretty funny

An elderly lady was on an African safari vacation with her prized poodle Mitsy. During the safari Mitsy became separated from the lady and was faced with a survival situation.

Mitsy was wandering around trying to find her way back when she noticed a Leopard a ways a way stalking her. "Oh no" said the poodle, "If that leopard gets a hold of me I am surely a goner.

Mitsy noticed a pile of bones nearby and developed a plan. She went over, lay down and started licking the bones. When the leopard was close enough Mitsys aid "Mmmm that was a good leopard."

The leopard wisely breaks off the attack, "Whew! That was close... that old poodle almost had me!"

Nearby a monkey watched the whole thing go down. The brilliant monkey figures he could use this information to strike a deal with the leopard for his own life. The monkey chases after the leopard and spills the beans. The leopard is pissed right off and goes back to let the poodle have it.

Mitsy sees the approaching leopard and monkey and realises what happened. Mitsy lay down again, back to the approaching attackers, and waited until they were in earshot. "Where is that damned monkey?" Mitsy asks herself, "I sent him off nearly an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

[lazionic]

An American, a Russian and a blonde were sitting down discussing whose launch was greater.

The Russian says, "We are better because we circled the globe first!"

The American replies, "No! we are the best because we went to the moon first!"

The blonde says, "You guys are both wrong. The blondes are the best because we are going to land on the sun!"

The American and the Russian look at each other in horror and state together, "You can't land on the sun -- you'll burn and die!!!"

The blonde just laughs at them and says, "We're not stupid. We plan to go at night!"

[bmc]

Sir Paul McCartney was recently asked if he would ever go down on one knee again, to which he replied that he preferred if they would call her Heather.

[lazionic]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And none of us could get the damn jar open!!!"

[niss]

Little Nancy is in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peers over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster is doing, he politely asks, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replies Nancy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."

The neighbor is concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy pats down the last heap of earth, then replies, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

[niss]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[bandaid]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1AeCsIKq8g

[wingtip]

A Jewish kid says to his Dad, "Can I borrow twenty dollars"?
His Dad responds " Ten dollars! What do you need five dollars for"



The difference between a circus and a gentlemens club?

The circus is a cunning array of stunts!



The difference between a "hold up" and a "stick up"??

Age

[A-Team]

One morning a man walks into the doctor’s office and goes up to the secretary to make an appointment to see the doctor. She asks “Good morning sir, what’s your name and what would you like the doctor to take a look at?” The gentleman replies “My name is James and I need him to take a look at my penis.” The secretary all shocked and appalled said “Don’t say that word! There are children in this room! He’s busy at the moment so please come back later.”

Later that day the gentleman shows up again at the doctor’s office and goes up to the secretary again. She doesn’t recognise him and asks “Good afternoon sir, what’s your name and what would you like the doctor to take a look at?” The gentleman replies “My name is James and I need him to take a look at my ear.” The secretary asks him “Alright, what’s wrong with your ear?” The gentleman replies “It won’t piss.”

[bob sacamano]

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to the Wailing Wall to check it out, and there he was.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years".
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"Sir, how do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

[lazionic]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask.

"Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back
the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close
look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very
closely......




Are - my - test - results - back?"

[xsbank]

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome. One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."




The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

[Pugster]

"Sorry Ladies...this one's not nice!"

Little Johnny, a curious kid, stumbles into his Dad's stash of Playboys...
After reading a bit - his Dad comes in and Johnny asks a question.

"Dad, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?"

His Dad takes him upstairs to where Johnny's Mom is having a nap, pulls back the covers, and points to her crotch.

"Johnny, that is a pussy"

Johnny reaches out to touch it. Dad stops him immediately.

"Don't touch that! You'll wake up the cunt!"