Joke of the Day

[2R]

Some years ago a question about male anatomy prompted some studies at some Canadian Universities.
The question was "Why is a mans penis have the knobby glands on the end ?"
McGill put its brightest minds to the task .They spent two years and four million dollars in an extensive comprehensive exhaustive study used half their modern medical facilities and came to the conclusion that it was to increase the pleasure for the man and make him more emotionally attached to his mate.
The good minds at the U of T spent fours years and eight millions dollars utilized many of the great teaching facilities at the teaching hospital and came to the conclusion that it was to give the woman more pleasure make make her more emotionally attached to her mate .
Not to be outdone the Calgary lads went to the French Maid gentlemans club spent 1500 on lunch and lap dances and came to the conclusion it was to stop your hand slipping off the end

[beaverbob]

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument Go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way to get out of the house and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I gave my wife a kiss on the cheek and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf,' and she said, 'You'll need a sweater...'"

[Lurch]

STL approach: "United 143, best forward speed to the marker, you're number one."

United 143 (male): "Roger, we're balls to the wall."

STL approach: "American 2451, you're number two behind the 737, follow him, cleared visual, best forward speed."

American 2451
(female): "Well I can't do balls to the wall but I can go wide open."


-Radio silence-



Unknown Pilot (male): "Is American hiring?"

[Siddley Hawker]

Untill he went to Jail!

Yeah, but he's gonna be popular as long as his ass holds out.

[bmc]

Sarah Palin

[Darkwing Duck]

A little boy says to his dad "When I grow up I wanna be a pilot." Dad looks down at his son and says "Boy, hate to break this to you, but you can't do both."

[MUSKEG]

A man and his wife are watching a TV show on psychology where the Doctor was describing the phenominum of saying something in one sentence that could make you feel good and bad at the same time. The husband jumps up and says bullshit, I don't believe thats possible. She says yes it's possible. Irate he says ok then give me an example. She pauses and then says this. Of all your friends you have the biggest dick.

[Cougar]

Okay, this is an oldie-but-goodie..... so, which one of you guys IS this, anyway??

Pilot workout:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1WW3d7o ... ture=email

[Darkwing Duck]

Okay, this is an oldie-but-goodie..... so, which one of you guys IS this, anyway??

Pilot workout:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1WW3d7o ... ture=email

Okay Cougar, that was awesome, two jokes in one, the guy prancing and the MU2.

[Cougar]

Haaaaa, good one!!

The commentary on that video was from a fire crew -- they were there with their helicopter and just happened to look out the window and saw this guy.... I think he was kind of known for the dancing thing, around a few airports....

[Dagwood]

Just to continue with the dancing hijack...

How about dancing marshallers?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwTN-MCDWsA

[Guido]

Joke of the day: Team Canada

[Topspin]

A little old but still relevant:

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'


In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the motorway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in a foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

[Cougar]

When pilots come back in their next lives as cats....

and mechanics as dogs...

Mechanic Dog shuts up Pilot Cat.jpg (89.96 KiB) Viewed 2342 times

[niss]

[bmc]

Women's rights.

[bmc]

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
. Between 18 & 22 a woman is like Africa... half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
. Between 23 & 30 a woman is like America... well developed & open to trade, especially for high financed investors.
. Between 31 & 45 a woman is like India... very hot, relaxed & convinced of her own beauty
. Between 46 & 55 a woman is like France... gently ageing but sensual, with an appreciation for the finer things .
. Between 56 & 60 she is like Yugoslavia... lost the war, haunted by past mistakes & in need of massive reconstruction .
. From 61 on, a woman is like Afghanistan... everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there .


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
. Between 15 and 80 a man is like Libya... ruled by a dick.

[Siddley Hawker]

From a friend from PPRuNe.

The newly born sperm was receiving some instructions in
conception from his instructor. "As soon as you hear the
siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until
you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of
the cavern you will find a red sticky ball which is the egg.
Say 'I'm a Sperm.' She'll answer 'I'm an Egg.' From that
moment on you will work together to create the embryo.
You understand?"

The young sperm nodded affirmatively.

Two days later the sperm is taking a nap when he hears
the siren. He wakes immediately and runs to the tunnel.
A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has
to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern
he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other
sperm. He's able to swim at a slow pace and approaches
the red sticky ball. When at last he reaches the red sticky
ball he smiles and says "Hi, I'm a sperm!"

The red sticky ball smiles and says "Oh hi! I'm a tonsil."

[Driving Rain]

World Terror Alerts

The ENGLISH are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when Custard Cream and Tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The FRENCH government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The GERMANS also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

BELGIUM does not have a government, so is incapable of having any warning level. All on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The SPANISH are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the modern Spanish fleet can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

ITALY has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides"

USA meanwhile is carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

CANADA doesn't have any alert levels, as they don't want to offend anyone

New Zealand would be unable to raise an army as its soldiers are all currently deployed playing Orcs in the upcoming Hobbit movie.

AUSTRALIA, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled." It should be noted that there has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

The SCOTS have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

[Beefitarian]

You just gotta love drunks!







A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
Standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3:00 am!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3:00 in the morning and it's pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
About three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped
Us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..

[Siddley Hawker]

I'm passing this on as a caution. Just got this from a friend so be warned!
He bought a penis enlarger from E-Bay for $50. The bastards sent a magnifying glass!

[iflyforpie]

Fred and Grady, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons...
..., watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Grady didn't show up.

Fred didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Grady hadn't shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Fred didn't know where Grady lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last of Grady, but one day, Fred approached the park and lo and behold! --there sat Grady!

Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Grady, what in the world happened to you?"

Grady replied, "I've been in jail."

"Jail???" cried Fred. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Grady said, "you know Sue, that cute little red-headed waitress at the coffee shop where I go for lunch sometimes?"

"Yeah," said Fred, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me;" Grady replied "and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded "guilty!"

Grady slowly shakes his head from side to side and continues, "The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

[bmc]

A young man from Victoria, BC was hired as the lifeguard at the Prime Minister's residence at 24 Sussex Drive.

The Harper family was making use of the pool when one of their two children encountered some difficulty and cried for help.

The lifeguard ignored the cries, so the Prime Minister himself had to plunge into the pool to rescue the boy.

Afterwards, Harper grilled the lifeguard. "You ass! Didn't you see that my son was in trouble?"

"Yes, sir, but I can't swim."

"How the hell did you land the job of lifeguard then?"

''I'm bilingual."

[Darkwing Duck]

Probably ringing truer then we all know.

[JakeYYZ]

Told the wife I got a stiff neck taking the garbage out the other night by not wearing a jacket. She said:” next time you take the garbage out don’t wear your pants”.