Did you hear the one about the Magnet that tried to kill itself? It turns out it was Bipolar!xsbank wrote:NOW who gets the prize for wierd...I think you are probably getting pretty close to me, Widow?
Do I get the prize?
Crappy joke of the day
Moderators: sky's the limit, sepia, Sulako, lilfssister, North Shore
-
niss
- Top Poster
- Posts: 6745
- Joined: Sat Jun 25, 2005 8:54 pm
- Location: I'm a CPL trapped in a PPL's Body.
- Contact:
Do I get the prize?
She’s built like a Steakhouse, but she handles like a Bistro.
Let's kick the tires, and light the fires.... SHIT! FIRE! EMERGENCY CHECKLIST!
Let's kick the tires, and light the fires.... SHIT! FIRE! EMERGENCY CHECKLIST!
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but
nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When
the postal authorities received the letter to God, Canada, they decided to
send it to the Prime Minister.
The P.M. was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send
the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The P.M. thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a
little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to
write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I
noticed that for some reason you sent it through Ottawa, ON, and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.
nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When
the postal authorities received the letter to God, Canada, they decided to
send it to the Prime Minister.
The P.M. was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send
the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The P.M. thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a
little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to
write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I
noticed that for some reason you sent it through Ottawa, ON, and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
A couple were out golfing when the wife started complaining about a bee sting. The husband dutifully asks " Honey, where did it bite you?
She replies " It bit me between the first and second holes."
The husband thinks for a sec and replies " Hmm, I think your stance is too wide."
She replies " It bit me between the first and second holes."
The husband thinks for a sec and replies " Hmm, I think your stance is too wide."
-
corporate joe
- Rank 8
- Posts: 754
- Joined: Mon May 29, 2006 8:18 am
- Location: the coast
One day an out of work mime was visiting the zoo, where he attempted to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he started to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office.
The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla named Sparky, had died suddenly and the keeper was worried that attendance at the zoo would fall off without him. The zookeeper offered the mime a job to dress up as Sparky until they could get a new gorilla. The mime accepted.
The next morning, the mime put on a gorilla suit and entered the cage before the crowd arrived. He discovered that it was a great job! He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people and he was drawing bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tired of him, and he was getting bored just swinging on tires. He began to notice that the people were paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top over the lion's cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper was thrilled, and even gave the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
This went on for some time, the mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grew larger, and his salary kept going up. Then one terrible day when he was dangling over the furious lion, he lost his grip and fell. The mime was terrified. The lion gathered itself and prepared to pounce. The mime was so scared that he began to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. When no help came, and the crowd looked on in shock, the mime started screaming and yelling.
Help, Help me!" he screamed, but the lion was too quick and pounced. The mime found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion, who was just inches away from his face when he whispered, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?
The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla named Sparky, had died suddenly and the keeper was worried that attendance at the zoo would fall off without him. The zookeeper offered the mime a job to dress up as Sparky until they could get a new gorilla. The mime accepted.
The next morning, the mime put on a gorilla suit and entered the cage before the crowd arrived. He discovered that it was a great job! He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people and he was drawing bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tired of him, and he was getting bored just swinging on tires. He began to notice that the people were paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top over the lion's cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper was thrilled, and even gave the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
This went on for some time, the mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grew larger, and his salary kept going up. Then one terrible day when he was dangling over the furious lion, he lost his grip and fell. The mime was terrified. The lion gathered itself and prepared to pounce. The mime was so scared that he began to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. When no help came, and the crowd looked on in shock, the mime started screaming and yelling.
Help, Help me!" he screamed, but the lion was too quick and pounced. The mime found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion, who was just inches away from his face when he whispered, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?
The 3 most important things to remember when you're old:
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
-
corporate joe
- Rank 8
- Posts: 754
- Joined: Mon May 29, 2006 8:18 am
- Location: the coast
Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
The 3 most important things to remember when you're old:
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
-
sidestick stirrer
- Rank 5
- Posts: 383
- Joined: Wed Nov 23, 2005 10:22 pm
-
corporate joe
- Rank 8
- Posts: 754
- Joined: Mon May 29, 2006 8:18 am
- Location: the coast
Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.
"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."
"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."
The 3 most important things to remember when you're old:
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
HOW TO DATE WITH DIFFERENCES OF WOMEN
ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex. She wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.
CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive </SPAN> dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in.
One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.
ARAB WOMEN:
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: Guy is shot dead. No third date!!!
IRANIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You will have to spend all your money to impress her
Second Date: You will take a loan to keep the image
Third Date: Your are broke, she finds someone wealthier
RUSSIAN WOMAN:
First date to an expensive sushi restaurant.
Next day you wake up in her appartment, still drunk.
Second date, she brings her fifteen year old daughter to the restaurant.
Third date she also brings her mother and the boyfriend of the daughter...
ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex. She wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.
CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive </SPAN> dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in.
One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.
ARAB WOMEN:
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: Guy is shot dead. No third date!!!
IRANIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You will have to spend all your money to impress her
Second Date: You will take a loan to keep the image
Third Date: Your are broke, she finds someone wealthier
RUSSIAN WOMAN:
First date to an expensive sushi restaurant.
Next day you wake up in her appartment, still drunk.
Second date, she brings her fifteen year old daughter to the restaurant.
Third date she also brings her mother and the boyfriend of the daughter...
Success in life is when the cognac that you drink is older than the women you drink it with.
-
corporate joe
- Rank 8
- Posts: 754
- Joined: Mon May 29, 2006 8:18 am
- Location: the coast
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The 3 most important things to remember when you're old:
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
A lion goes walking through the jungle and comes across a Hippo. What are you? The lion said! I am a Hippo. A Hippo?? What is the good of you.... all big and fat, stubby teeth, big mouth. The Hippo started crying. I am a lion.........King of the Beasts he said and walked on.
A little while later he came across a giraffe. What are you the lion said? I am a Giraffe! he said. A Giraffe??? What good are you? Long skinny legs, spots all over you, long ole neck on ya. The giraffe started crying. I am a lion.... King of the Beasts and walked on.
A little while later he came across this frog. What are you? The lion said!
I am a frog he said. A Frog?? What is the good of you. Right tiny, and all slimy, eyes all bugged out of your head. The frog said @#$! off bye I'm sick!
A little while later he came across a giraffe. What are you the lion said? I am a Giraffe! he said. A Giraffe??? What good are you? Long skinny legs, spots all over you, long ole neck on ya. The giraffe started crying. I am a lion.... King of the Beasts and walked on.
A little while later he came across this frog. What are you? The lion said!
I am a frog he said. A Frog?? What is the good of you. Right tiny, and all slimy, eyes all bugged out of your head. The frog said @#$! off bye I'm sick!
An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."
on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Former Advocate for Floatplane Safety
-
Rudder Bug
- Rank 10
- Posts: 2735
- Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2005 11:09 pm
- Location: Right seat but I own the seat
thought this was cute
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick
before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got
to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and
shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so
bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.
but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and
other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two
city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon
when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A
route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys
get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful
flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is
like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They
don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for
shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head
and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even
load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle
with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they
got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat
him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds
and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto this set-up and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick
before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got
to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and
shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so
bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.
but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and
other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two
city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon
when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A
route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys
get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful
flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is
like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They
don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for
shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head
and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even
load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle
with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they
got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat
him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds
and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto this set-up and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail
The things I love are not HR approved
"I hate you so much right now." - sar
"I hate you so much right now." - sar
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that
that's a sheep, you idiot".
The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you.
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that
that's a sheep, you idiot".
The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you.
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
Subject: Being a Police Officer in the CANADA/AUSIE/USA
Question:
How do you tell the difference between a Canadian Police Officer,
an Australian Police Officer, and an American Police Officer?
Pose the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
CANADIAN POLICE OFFICERS
Answer: (Immediate thought processes)
Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan?
Does he prefer to communicate in English or French?
Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?
Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?
Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya?
Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?
Is the alleged "client" a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group?
Is he just a squeegee kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets?
Is he a member of a gang that is just "misunderstood" by society?
Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to approach the police?
Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?
Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing?
Is he a member of the Muslim community or other visible minority group?
Warn and Charter him as he approaches.
AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS
Answer: BANG!
AMERICAN OFFICERS
Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click....
(Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.
Question:
How do you tell the difference between a Canadian Police Officer,
an Australian Police Officer, and an American Police Officer?
Pose the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
CANADIAN POLICE OFFICERS
Answer: (Immediate thought processes)
Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan?
Does he prefer to communicate in English or French?
Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?
Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?
Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya?
Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?
Is the alleged "client" a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group?
Is he just a squeegee kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets?
Is he a member of a gang that is just "misunderstood" by society?
Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to approach the police?
Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?
Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing?
Is he a member of the Muslim community or other visible minority group?
Warn and Charter him as he approaches.
AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS
Answer: BANG!
AMERICAN OFFICERS
Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click....
(Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.
"What's it doing now?"
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
"Fly low and slow and throttle back in the turns."
-
corporate joe
- Rank 8
- Posts: 754
- Joined: Mon May 29, 2006 8:18 am
- Location: the coast
-
niss
- Top Poster
- Posts: 6745
- Joined: Sat Jun 25, 2005 8:54 pm
- Location: I'm a CPL trapped in a PPL's Body.
- Contact:
[Gilbert Godfrey Voice]
A man walks into the bank and says to the grey haired old lady behind the counter "I want to open a FUCKING back account." She says "Excuse Me?". "I want to open a FUCKING Bank account!" she says "Watch your language or I will have to get the manager", "Why? Because I want to open a FUCKING bank account?"
The manager comes out and says "What seems to be the problem here?" The man says "I want to open a FUCKING bank account, for $500,000."
The manager replies "And this ^unt is giving you a hard time?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into his bedroom and hands his wife two asperines and a glass of water. "Whats this for?" She askes "I dont have a headach".
"Perfect! Lets @#$!!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a whore house with only $2 in his pocket. He tells the guy behind the counter his situation. The guy behind the counter says "I dont really have any girls for $2, except this dead hooker upstairs" So He takes her and goes upstairs to do his business.
When he finishes and walks downstairs the guy behind the counter asks "So, How was it"
"It was fine, but for some reason her nose kept running"
"Ya, shes probably full"
[/Gilbert Godfrey Voice]
A man walks into the bank and says to the grey haired old lady behind the counter "I want to open a FUCKING back account." She says "Excuse Me?". "I want to open a FUCKING Bank account!" she says "Watch your language or I will have to get the manager", "Why? Because I want to open a FUCKING bank account?"
The manager comes out and says "What seems to be the problem here?" The man says "I want to open a FUCKING bank account, for $500,000."
The manager replies "And this ^unt is giving you a hard time?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into his bedroom and hands his wife two asperines and a glass of water. "Whats this for?" She askes "I dont have a headach".
"Perfect! Lets @#$!!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a whore house with only $2 in his pocket. He tells the guy behind the counter his situation. The guy behind the counter says "I dont really have any girls for $2, except this dead hooker upstairs" So He takes her and goes upstairs to do his business.
When he finishes and walks downstairs the guy behind the counter asks "So, How was it"
"It was fine, but for some reason her nose kept running"
"Ya, shes probably full"
[/Gilbert Godfrey Voice]
She’s built like a Steakhouse, but she handles like a Bistro.
Let's kick the tires, and light the fires.... SHIT! FIRE! EMERGENCY CHECKLIST!
Let's kick the tires, and light the fires.... SHIT! FIRE! EMERGENCY CHECKLIST!
-
corporate joe
- Rank 8
- Posts: 754
- Joined: Mon May 29, 2006 8:18 am
- Location: the coast
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.
Moral:
Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.
Moral:
Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!
The 3 most important things to remember when you're old:
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
1) Never pass an opportunity to use a washroom
2) Never waste a hard on
3) Never trust a fart
John Mayer
