Crappy joke of the day

lazionic · Post by **lazionic** » Thu Feb 09, 2006 12:42 pm

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins?"

The woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No," he replies. "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"

lazionic · Post by **lazionic** » Thu Feb 09, 2006 3:26 pm

A cowboy is traveling on his horse when he sees a bar. He decides to stop for a few drinks, so
he ties his horse outside the bar, walks into the bar, sits right up at the counter and orders
a few beers. This cowboy is new in town, so he notices some of the other bar patrons giving him
funny looks, and he suspects that they'll try something funny, but he continues to drink. When
he's satisfied, he pays for the beers and walks out of the bar only to find his horse
missing.

However, he keeps his cool, struts back into the bar, puts on a really mean look and says,
"Look, I don't know what you asses did to my horse out there...but I'm planning to make a
move on within the next FIVE minutes, and if my horse isn't back where it's supposed to be by
then, well...I'm gonna have to do here what I did in Texas!" The cowboy sneers. "And I
DON'T wanna do what I did in Texas!"

The cowboy glares at everyone before returning to the counter and ordering another couple of
beers. The other customers seem a bit shaken, and sure enough after 5 minutes, the cowboy walks
out and finds his horse tied where it was supposed to be.

Just as he's about to leave, the bartender approaches him and asks, "Just out of curiosity,
partner. What was it you did in Texas that you didn't want to do here?" The cowboy turns to
the bartender, gives a lopsided grin and replies, "I had to walk home!"

Driving Rain · Post by **Driving Rain** » Tue Feb 14, 2006 4:32 am

An elderly couple were attending church when about halfway through the service she leans over and says to him, "I just had a silent passing of gas. What should I do?"
Her husband leans over to her and replies, "When we get home put a new battery in your hearing aid."

lazionic · Post by **lazionic** » Tue Feb 14, 2006 10:32 am

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

lazionic · Post by **lazionic** » Tue Feb 14, 2006 10:37 am

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells good..
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells good?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget!"

lazionic · Post by **lazionic** » Fri Feb 17, 2006 4:31 pm

A man wearing a ski mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the fuckin safe!" he
yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This
is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".

"Don't argue with me bitch just open the safe or I'll blow your fuckin head off!" She
obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue woman, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one.

Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that fuckin difficult is it?" he says

mellow_pilot · Post by **mellow_pilot** » Sat Feb 18, 2006 12:31 am

A dog walks into a bar, says to the bartender, "Knock, knock."

The bartender says, "HOLY @#$!! A TALKING DOG"

lazionic · Post by **lazionic** » Mon Feb 20, 2006 3:11 pm

Pharmacological humor

In Pharmacology, all drugs have 2 names, a trade name and a generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of

Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called

Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful

consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that

it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were

mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid

form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for

use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour
himself a stiff

one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new
meaning

to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned

"stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO".

Snagmaster E · Post by **Snagmaster E** » Tue Feb 21, 2006 3:22 pm

tellyourkidstogetarealjob wrote:Here's one for the Americans in the audience.

For some reason, women don't like this one much.

Jeez, I wonder why? That's not even remotely funny.

Siddley Hawker · Post by **Siddley Hawker** » Tue Feb 21, 2006 7:10 pm

A few limericks for your perusal.

Sammy Sperm faced, alack and forsooth,
His moment of sexual truth.
He'd expected to fall
On a womb's spongy wall,
But was dashed to his death on a tooth.

A crab working hookers in Natchez,
Takes refuge, when one of them scratches,
In her nook, for a nap,
For the shrewd little chap,
Finds he's safest when sleeping in snatches.

A zookeeper in lovely Capri,
Screwed a baboon by the sea.
The results were most horrid,
All ass and no forehead,
Four balls and a purple goatee.

Howitzer · Post by **Howitzer** » Wed Feb 22, 2006 9:08 pm

from the mouth of RL.

Hamburger walks into a bar, bartender says "we don't serve food here."

Driving Rain · Post by **Driving Rain** » Wed Feb 22, 2006 11:08 pm

FEMALE POEM

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MALE POEM

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

chabonie · Post by **chabonie** » Thu Feb 23, 2006 9:23 am

A Dene woman was walking along the sand dunes on Lake Athabasca when she stumbled upon an old empty bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it and lo and behold a Genie appeared.

She talked with him awhile then he told her he granted wishes. She said she heard from her cousin she would get three wishes if she ever found a Genie. The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So..... what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony. The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not that good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to Find the right Indian man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to square dance and helps with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't drink alcohol and is faithful. That's what I wish for - a good Indian man." The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, "Let me see that fuckin' map again.

Snagmaster E · Post by **Snagmaster E** » Thu Feb 23, 2006 10:04 am

A blind man is walking down the street.

He walks by a fish market and says, "Hello, Ladies!"

Raydar · Post by **Raydar** » Thu Feb 23, 2006 1:58 pm

What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey? A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye...

lazionic · Post by **lazionic** » Thu Feb 23, 2006 8:57 pm

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120
pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she
would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get
weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home
early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

tellyourkidstogetarealjob · Fri Feb 24, 2006 4:08 am

Snagmaster E wrote:A blind man is walking down the street.

He walks by a fish market and says, "Hello, Ladies!"

Thanks for the bitchy comment.

Judging by the above "joke" you're obviously a connoisseur of fine humour.

Just for that I'll contribute another as soon as I get time...

windshear · Post by **windshear** » Fri Feb 24, 2006 7:17 am

How do you get a nun pregnant?......

Dress her up as an Alter Boy.

Yes I know I'm going to Hell.

lazionic · Post by **lazionic** » Fri Feb 24, 2006 9:16 am

A cruise ship hired a magician to entertain the passengers. Since the
passengers changed every four or five days, the magician was able to
perform the same tricks over and over. Unfortunately, the Captain of the
ship had a parrot who sat around and watched the magician perform his
tricks, over and over. Eventually, the parrot learned how the tricks were
done and would interrupt the act. "It's in his sleeve" the parrot would say.
"He switched balls." "It's in his pocket." Etc., etc. Naturally, the
magician was quite disturbed by the parrot but could do nothing about it,
since it belonged to the Captain. Unfortunately, the cruise ship had the
misfortune of hitting an iceberg and sank to the bottom of the sea in a
matter of minutes. As fate would have it, the magician and the parrot
managed to grab hold of the same floating piece of furniture. For 3 days,
neither said anything. The magician stared at the parrot and the parrot
stared back. Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot cracked and said:"OK, I
give up, where did you put the fucking ship?"

laticsdave · Post by **laticsdave** » Fri Feb 24, 2006 1:35 pm

Q) Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

A) "cos' sheep know the sound of a zipper!!

Snagmaster E · Post by **Snagmaster E** » Fri Feb 24, 2006 4:02 pm

tellyourkidstogetarealjob wrote:
Thanks for the bitchy comment.

Judging by the above "joke" you're obviously a connoisseur of fine humour.

Just for that I'll contribute another as soon as I get time...

Ouch... Self... esteem.... falling.....

There are all kinds of humour and all kinds of jokes.... the majority are funny as long as they don't go too far....

Siddley Hawker · Post by **Siddley Hawker** » Sat Feb 25, 2006 9:23 pm

Two lawyers had been shipwrecked on a desert island for six months. One morning as they walked along the beach, they came across a scantily clad young woman, unconscious on the sand, obviously the victim of another shipwreck.

One lawyer looked at the other and asked, "Do you think we should @#$! her?"

"Outta what?" asked the other.

lazionic · Post by **lazionic** » Fri Mar 03, 2006 3:37 pm

Two blondes, Trisha and Robin decided to rob a bank together.

The first blonde, Trisha plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde,
Robin, in great detail.

The robbery begins. Trisha drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Robin, "I
want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan.

You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do
you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said Robin.

Robin goes in the bank while Trisha waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes . . .

Two minutes pass . . .

Seven minutes pass . . . and Trisha is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Robin. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope
and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the
bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and
underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting
away, Trisha says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"

Robin said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said Trish. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the
SAFE!"

niss · Post by **niss** » Fri Mar 03, 2006 3:54 pm

That joke is oddly similar to the one on ebaums world today.

red · Post by **red** » Sat Mar 04, 2006 2:34 am

HAHAHAHA...I know this is a old one but I still think it's funny

A guy sitting at an airport bar in Saskatoon noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself "Nope, not Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the United slogan, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"

This time the woman savagely turned on him, "What the @#$! do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said.... "Ahhh, Transwest Air!!.