Flying on the west coast gets a lot of the "What Island is that?" Question...
Pax usually find a map in their lap pretty quickly!

Q: "How much does it cost to learn to fly?"
A: "More than you ever make while flying for a living...bad decision for me heh?!"

Q: "What is the landing like compared to a commercial flight?"
A: "You tell me in 5 min"

Q: "Are we all going to fit in that little thing?"
A: "We may be pretty full, do you mind waiting here for the next plane?" (Charter out of small alpine lake, many miles from civilization)

Q: "What does that red lever do?"
A: "Ejects all the passengers." (Usually grab the mixture, stare at the pax, then pull hand quickly without actually pulling the mixture)

Pax: "So how long do you have to fly these cute planes before you can fly commercially?
Me: "Did you pay for this flight?" (Acting very sincere)
Pax: "Yes"
Me: Sit quietly staring ahead

...it's endless...just when you thought you heard the dumbest question, someone comes up with the trump card!

Did you notice that every time a passenger wants to tell you an airplane story, the airplane is always a King Air. I heard one the other day about a single engine King Air. I didn't know they made those.

On the other hand any story about a spray plane is always an Ag Tractor....There are Ag Trucks and there are Air Tractors, but to the best of my knowledge no one has yet built an Ag Tractor.

Just the other day, loading baggage at the YVR seaplane base.

Me: Sir, your zipper is split, you'll want to get that checked out.

Him: Are you sure it's not just undone?

Me: I'm certain, it's split.

Him: It's got two zippers, are you sure one of them isn't undone?

Me: I know what a broken zipper looks like. It's not just undone.

Him: I just flew in from London. It was ok before. Do they sell luggage over here?

Me: Unfortunately they don't, you'll have to wait until you get back to London before you can get another.

He looks confused, and gets on the plane. At the other end I unload his bag, he looks at his broken zipper and says, "So I can't buy a replacement over here?"

Some peoples children.

I try to beat them to the punch by asking them a question like "Who wants the front seat? I need someone up front that knows the way to xxx.

After reading these posts I now understand the placard I saw on the right side of a Beaver panel. It read...

Copilot Checklist

Don't touch anything
Keep mouth shut

Are you guys all seriously that anal retentive that you can't joke with your pax? and play the part??.. they're paying good money. Cheer up and play the part. Having return customers means you'll be working next year getting a steady pay cheque.

brokenwing wrote:Are you guys all seriously that anal retentive that you can't joke with your pax? and play the part.

That's why the thread is called "Must be getting near the end of the season". After 4 months of the same jokes, it's getting harder and harder to "play the game".

I usually am preemptive with the jokes. Like an inoculation, it is uncomfortable at first, but saves you further discomfort later...


"Please refrain from using the survival axe to hijack the aircraft."

"In case of an emergency, pull this handle to open the exit.... please don't open it in flight.."

"Let's see if I can remember how to start this thing..."

(After a mixture check..) "WHOOPS!!"

"She's all yours." To the right seat passenger as I take my hands off the yoke and fly with the pedals...

"Ever landed a plane before?" To the right seat passenger who is having a good time 'flying' the airplane as we come into the pattern.

To passengers concerned about the age of the aircraft. "How do you think this plane got to be this old???"

To passengers concerned about my abilities. "I've never left anyone up there yet..."


It is funny about the 'Alive' references. Our scenic flights take us over the filming location for the crash. Some people are less than thrilled about knowing that as we fly less than 100 feet over the ice....

Corny and repetitive I know. But I still have a Benjamin from one of those trips at home...

One of my favorites from this year...

Polo-Shirt-Wearing-Douche-Bag: ( sneering at the beautiful Beech 18 he was being ushered aboard )

"huh. So when was this thing built?!? "

Pilot: ( No hesitation, straight face ) 1994.

Years ago, when I first had my private license, when I was bringing people up for a joy-ride in the C172.

Just as we were throttling up and starting the take-off roll I used to look out the side window and say, "Hey, look at all those people down there, they look just like ants"

(yeah yeah I can hear the chorus of groans)

From my dockhand job:

"Has anyone ever fallen in the water?"

"Have you ever dropped anyone's bag in the water?"

"Is that a mid-air refueling nozzle?" (pointing to the pitot tube on Otter) I will say that one was amusing and a somewhat refreshing surprise after the usual guesses as to what it is.

"Victoria, right?? I would hate it if I ended up in Naniamo!"

"Did my bag make it on?"

Haha then theres always the classic look pax give each other when they see the beaver turn out and roar to life after a bit of coaxing.

a dough-head fisherman once asked my buddy (in that charming southern drawl)
"now, are you pumping that water INTO those pontoons or out of them?"

I was reminded of that this October when a moose hunter asked me while I was pumping out the amphib "does the pilot know you're removing all that ballast?"

@#$!.

one turkeyasked me this summer if the floats needed water in them to float!

Thanks for this thread guys, it made my day.

q: What's the inflight meal?
a: "Fingernails."

JC there used to be a guy at Quebecair that pulled the sunglasses and cane bit every so often on the F-27. The CP would ream his ass every time, then piss himself laughing after the guy left the office.

and I wonder if it is not the same captain I flew with at QBA that would wear the old rubber nose with thick glasses and sticking his head out the left window looking at deplaning passengers . we are talking early seventies here obviously a practice politically uncorrect in today's environment. I even remember his name!!

I'm sure it's the same guy 320sc. His initials was RP.

Remember that late flight into ZV to position the aircraft for the 06:30 departure the next morning? One evening he was bored and called ZV tower and declared a vodka emergency as Aeroflot 001.

SH
Yes I think we are talking about the same man..

Just classic! Oh the glory days of aviatin!!

I always throw a lil bit of fun into the safety briefing. I usually get a couple of snickers or chuckles and thats all that matters.

S H
you seem to know much about QBA from the early 70 so here is a situation that arose one early morning in YQB that you might remember!!
where the captain a certain J D was munching on a sandwich in the old terminal just as ground crew plugged the GPU in the 27 instantly the genny reversed polarity and the prop started to spin as in a start I was doing the paperwork in the right seat when the blades hit the cart pulling the GPU . JD came running in the cockpit with half a sandwich in his mouth I believe he tried to say W.T.F are you doing!! spewing bread and ham all over , by then the genny burned itself out, smoke all over the the top of the engine the fire truck hosed everything my window was open so we got an early shower that day!! happened only once at QBA.

Heh heh, yeah 302sc I knew Big J. Great guy.

I had that very same thing happen to me with our (IOC's) F-27. Walked onboard, turned on the external power and the right engine began turning. WTF??? The right hand reverse current relay had failed and the DC generator had become a starter. No fire but plenty of smoke.

Were you still there when they lost QBL at QB, when the right engine compressor disintegrated on takeoff? Sad thing, that. I did my F-27 initial at QB in 1973 and the Captain on that flight was on the course after mine.

Check your PM's.

done ..

PAX: What's the in flight meal today?
Pilot: Whatever you can find on the floor.
September sure is a looong month.

Lately, when I get the barrage of dumb questions I just stare out the window and sigh. The funny retorts aren't funny any more...what happened

While in cruse
Passenger: Where are we?
Me: “pretty high up and pretty far out”

These questions do get very old very quickly but occasionally you do get one that just blows your mind. This didn't happen while flying but rather while Kayak guiding on Salt Spring Island in BC a few years back that was simply amazing. I had a group of Doctors from Seattle getting ready on a dock for a 4 day trip. While I was explaining the direction of our trip I mentioned leaving at a certain time so we could catch the Ebb tide. With a straight face and in all seriousness one of the doctors a "senior O.R. surgeon" said:

Doctors: "Y'all have tides up here in Canada" (with very confused look)
Me: "Nah, I forgot that they were stopped at the border and haven't cleared customs yet so we should be good"
Doctor: "Oh, OK"

That was the start of a very long 4 days.