A grasshopper walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a drink."
The bartender can't believe his eyes and says, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe this, you're a talking grasshopper! Do you know we have a drink named after you?"
The grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Steve?"
Crappy joke of the day
Moderators: North Shore, sky's the limit, sepia, Sulako, lilfssister
Crappy joke of the day
If you think a professional costs a lot, wait until you see what an amateur will cost you 
African joke
THE ANT AND THE ELEPHANT
Deep in the African jungle an ant was cruising along a jungle path when he saw two vervet monkeys having a good ole shagg! This disturbed the little ant to the extent that he became extremely horny. So, while cruising down this path he kept a hairy eyeball out for female ants. After about an hour, he still saw no ants to proposition and he realized that he was developing a serious case of "lovers balls".
Now waddling down the path, the ant saw a female baboon sitting on a tree stump. Just the way she was sitting, drove him nuts. Although she was @#$! ugly, he decided that beggars could not be choosers, so he approached her and asked if he could "give her one"! The baboon covered her naughty bits in shock, called the ant a little pervert and flicked him back into the jungle.
"Bummer" our intrepid ant said as he returned to the path an hour later. By now his nutsack was badly swollen and he needed some rapid relief. As he came around the next corner (no pun intended), he spotted a lioness rolling in the grass under a large Acacia tree. The sun filtered down through the leaves and lit up her tawny hide in provocative shadow....damn, he was losing it and he approached her, explained his predicament and asked her for a quick poke! Being of royal blood, there was no way she would tolerate such low life insubordination and calling him a scumbag, she helped him on his way with a healthy swat.
Ant was very down by the time he resumed his journey along the jungle path. While his mind was occupied with thoughts of "self help" and trying to figure the distance he needed to cover to get to his "wanking pit", he heard a massive crash coming from the nearby bush. As he approached with extreme caution, he saw a large female elephant feeding from a grove of papaya trees. He cautiously approached her, attracted her attention by tickeling her trunk and politely asked her if she would mind if he climed up her back legs, found her sweet spot and made wild passionate love to her.
The elephant was "gob smacked" to say the least but she thought that he could do little harm and said yes. Actually, she fely quite charmed by the little dude who was far more polite than the horny bad tempered bulls she had to dealt with. Furthermore, she figured she would not even know he was there.
So, Ant climbed her legs with much enthusiam and anticipation, found what he was looking for and slipped it in! At the same time, a monkey sitting in the papaya tree hurled a large papaya at the elephant which smacked her right between the eyes. She made a sharp intake of breath and hissed with pain.
Ant at the back, Ant reacted saying "suffer baby suffer!
THE CROCODILE
This guy walked into a pub with his crocodile, put him up on the bar counter and ordered a drink. The inquisitive onlookers asked him why he brought his crocodile to the pub. He replied that his croc did some cool tricks. They demanded to see a trick and so without further adieu, he told the pub crowd that his croc was so gentle that he could place his dick into its mouth.
He demonstrated by opening the crocs mouth and placing his tool on the row of lethal teeth. Then he slapped the croc on the back of the head and the croc started to gently roll his schlong along in its mouth with a gentle kneading motion. After a while, he slapped the croc on the head again, removed his private part, sat back and took a slug of beer.
The crowd were amazed. He smiled at them and asked if anyone would like to give it a go. An old lady at the back stuck up her hand and said "Yes, but please dont slap me so hard on the head!
Deep in the African jungle an ant was cruising along a jungle path when he saw two vervet monkeys having a good ole shagg! This disturbed the little ant to the extent that he became extremely horny. So, while cruising down this path he kept a hairy eyeball out for female ants. After about an hour, he still saw no ants to proposition and he realized that he was developing a serious case of "lovers balls".
Now waddling down the path, the ant saw a female baboon sitting on a tree stump. Just the way she was sitting, drove him nuts. Although she was @#$! ugly, he decided that beggars could not be choosers, so he approached her and asked if he could "give her one"! The baboon covered her naughty bits in shock, called the ant a little pervert and flicked him back into the jungle.
"Bummer" our intrepid ant said as he returned to the path an hour later. By now his nutsack was badly swollen and he needed some rapid relief. As he came around the next corner (no pun intended), he spotted a lioness rolling in the grass under a large Acacia tree. The sun filtered down through the leaves and lit up her tawny hide in provocative shadow....damn, he was losing it and he approached her, explained his predicament and asked her for a quick poke! Being of royal blood, there was no way she would tolerate such low life insubordination and calling him a scumbag, she helped him on his way with a healthy swat.
Ant was very down by the time he resumed his journey along the jungle path. While his mind was occupied with thoughts of "self help" and trying to figure the distance he needed to cover to get to his "wanking pit", he heard a massive crash coming from the nearby bush. As he approached with extreme caution, he saw a large female elephant feeding from a grove of papaya trees. He cautiously approached her, attracted her attention by tickeling her trunk and politely asked her if she would mind if he climed up her back legs, found her sweet spot and made wild passionate love to her.
The elephant was "gob smacked" to say the least but she thought that he could do little harm and said yes. Actually, she fely quite charmed by the little dude who was far more polite than the horny bad tempered bulls she had to dealt with. Furthermore, she figured she would not even know he was there.
So, Ant climbed her legs with much enthusiam and anticipation, found what he was looking for and slipped it in! At the same time, a monkey sitting in the papaya tree hurled a large papaya at the elephant which smacked her right between the eyes. She made a sharp intake of breath and hissed with pain.
Ant at the back, Ant reacted saying "suffer baby suffer!
THE CROCODILE
This guy walked into a pub with his crocodile, put him up on the bar counter and ordered a drink. The inquisitive onlookers asked him why he brought his crocodile to the pub. He replied that his croc did some cool tricks. They demanded to see a trick and so without further adieu, he told the pub crowd that his croc was so gentle that he could place his dick into its mouth.
He demonstrated by opening the crocs mouth and placing his tool on the row of lethal teeth. Then he slapped the croc on the back of the head and the croc started to gently roll his schlong along in its mouth with a gentle kneading motion. After a while, he slapped the croc on the head again, removed his private part, sat back and took a slug of beer.
The crowd were amazed. He smiled at them and asked if anyone would like to give it a go. An old lady at the back stuck up her hand and said "Yes, but please dont slap me so hard on the head!
HAPPY ARE THOSE WHO DREAM DREAMS AND ARE WILLING TO PAY THE PRICE TO MAKE THEM COME TRUE: CARL BOENISH
Not to be confused with Springjob, Handjob, Blowjob or any other job......except a flyingjob!
Not to be confused with Springjob, Handjob, Blowjob or any other job......except a flyingjob!
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mellow_pilot
- Rank 10
- Posts: 2119
- Joined: Wed Aug 17, 2005 1:04 am
- Location: Pilot Purgatory
So a slug slimes his way into a bar on New Years to celebrate.
He says,"barkeep, I'll have a thimble of Ale."
The bartender says, "We don't serve slugs!" and flicks him out the window.
The next New Years the slug is back at the bar.
He says to the bartender, "HEY! What the @#$! did you do that for!?"
He says,"barkeep, I'll have a thimble of Ale."
The bartender says, "We don't serve slugs!" and flicks him out the window.
The next New Years the slug is back at the bar.
He says to the bartender, "HEY! What the @#$! did you do that for!?"
Dyslexics of the world... UNTIE!
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
If you think a professional costs a lot, wait until you see what an amateur will cost you
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mellow_pilot
- Rank 10
- Posts: 2119
- Joined: Wed Aug 17, 2005 1:04 am
- Location: Pilot Purgatory
How to pass an immigration test in Canada...
Mujibar was trying to get into Canada legally through Immigration. The
Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one
more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Canada."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up,
and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at a Telus help
desk.
Mujibar was trying to get into Canada legally through Immigration. The
Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one
more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Canada."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up,
and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at a Telus help
desk.
Dyslexics of the world... UNTIE!
Crappy joke of the day
horse walks into a bar
bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"
bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"
"The Dude abides"
A Teacher Story...
"Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the restroom?" the teacher asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go pee," he said.
The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Paul, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."
"And you, Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment. I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
"Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the restroom?" the teacher asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go pee," he said.
The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Paul, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."
"And you, Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment. I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
If you think a professional costs a lot, wait until you see what an amateur will cost you
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Siddley Hawker
- Rank 11
- Posts: 3353
- Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2004 6:56 pm
- Location: 50.13N 66.17W
Milk Bath
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her skin beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the Milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my Bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits, I can splash it in my eyes".
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her skin beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the Milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my Bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits, I can splash it in my eyes".
If you think a professional costs a lot, wait until you see what an amateur will cost you
They have the Lone Ranger lined up and they are ready to shoot him. They ask him if he has any last requests.
He replies, "Yes, I'll have a last cigarette." They give it to him and he proceeds to send smoke signals to Tonto, who's down the trail.
Within minutes, Tonto comes flying down the trail with a wagon filled with women.
The Lone Ranger shakes his head and says, "I told you to bring the posse!"
He replies, "Yes, I'll have a last cigarette." They give it to him and he proceeds to send smoke signals to Tonto, who's down the trail.
Within minutes, Tonto comes flying down the trail with a wagon filled with women.
The Lone Ranger shakes his head and says, "I told you to bring the posse!"
If you think a professional costs a lot, wait until you see what an amateur will cost you
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Siddley Hawker
- Rank 11
- Posts: 3353
- Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2004 6:56 pm
- Location: 50.13N 66.17W
A father was watching his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled to himself as he reflected on how pure and innocent his daughter was. His eyes misted with tears as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she stopped playing and began staring at the ground. He went over to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed that she was staring at two spiders mating.
"Daddy," she enquired, "what are those two spiders doing?"
"They're mating honey," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs," he answered.
"So the other one's a mommy longlegs?" the child asked.
The father's heart soared with joy at such a cute and innocent question. "No dear, they're both daddy longlegs," he replied.
The little girl looked puzzled for a second, then took her foot and stomped both spiders flat. "We're not having any of that queer shit in our garden, are we?"
Suddenly she stopped playing and began staring at the ground. He went over to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed that she was staring at two spiders mating.
"Daddy," she enquired, "what are those two spiders doing?"
"They're mating honey," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs," he answered.
"So the other one's a mommy longlegs?" the child asked.
The father's heart soared with joy at such a cute and innocent question. "No dear, they're both daddy longlegs," he replied.
The little girl looked puzzled for a second, then took her foot and stomped both spiders flat. "We're not having any of that queer shit in our garden, are we?"
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time chatting about the wild romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling some of that "magic."
"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said that she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!
"Yeah?" I replied, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled.
After hearing that I told her to screw off and I hung up the phone.
"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said that she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!
"Yeah?" I replied, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled.
After hearing that I told her to screw off and I hung up the phone.
If you think a professional costs a lot, wait until you see what an amateur will cost you
A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot! Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother thinks, Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise! Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot! Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother thinks, Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise! Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
If you think a professional costs a lot, wait until you see what an amateur will cost you
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, @#$!, Etc."
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, @#$!, Etc."
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?", she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?", he replied...
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again....
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?", she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?", he replied...
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again....
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tellyourkidstogetarealjob
- Rank 5
- Posts: 390
- Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2005 12:11 am
- Location: Cascadia
This is a true story.
My brother is a courier driver. Some years ago he was making a pick-up at an industrial client and noticed a sign on the company bulletin board:
FOR SALE
Brand new set of Encyclopaedia Britannica's.
No longer needed. Fucking wife knows everything.
Phone *** - ****
My brother is a courier driver. Some years ago he was making a pick-up at an industrial client and noticed a sign on the company bulletin board:
FOR SALE
Brand new set of Encyclopaedia Britannica's.
No longer needed. Fucking wife knows everything.
Phone *** - ****
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tellyourkidstogetarealjob
- Rank 5
- Posts: 390
- Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2005 12:11 am
- Location: Cascadia
A man is sitting at a bar and notices the bartender has a bag on the floor behind the bar. It catches his eye because he's sure there's movement coming from inside it.
He asks the bartender about it and at first is rebuffed but after a bit of prodding finally the bartender says, "I guess it's okay to show you". He reaches into the bag and removes a miniature grand piano. Then he pulls out a tiny piano bench and finally, a little man in a tuxedo who sits down at the piano and commences to play beautifully.
"Wow!", says the man, "that's great! Where did you get that?"
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you", says the bartender.
The man persists and eventually, as it's a slow night anyway, the bartender tells him he has a genie in a bottle that granted him a single wish.
"Can I talk to your genie?", asks the man.
"You really don't want to talk to my genie", replies the bartender.
In the end, the man, after much pleading and the passing of $100 cash, convinces the bartender to let him see his genie whereupon the bartender produces a small bottle and tells him to rub it.
Upon rubbing the bottle out pops a genie.
"You have one wish", says the genie.
"I'd like a million bucks!", blurts the man.
"Your wish is granted", says the genie who immediately disappears.
For a few seconds nothing happens then, POP! A duck appears at the end of the bar. Then, POP, POP, two more ducks appear. POP, POP, POP, three more. POP, POP, POP,...POP,POP,....POP, POP,... ducks start appearing everywhere.
"I think your genie's hard of hearing", says the man to the bartender.
"Tell me about it", replies the bartender. "Do you think I asked for an eleven inch pianist?"
He asks the bartender about it and at first is rebuffed but after a bit of prodding finally the bartender says, "I guess it's okay to show you". He reaches into the bag and removes a miniature grand piano. Then he pulls out a tiny piano bench and finally, a little man in a tuxedo who sits down at the piano and commences to play beautifully.
"Wow!", says the man, "that's great! Where did you get that?"
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you", says the bartender.
The man persists and eventually, as it's a slow night anyway, the bartender tells him he has a genie in a bottle that granted him a single wish.
"Can I talk to your genie?", asks the man.
"You really don't want to talk to my genie", replies the bartender.
In the end, the man, after much pleading and the passing of $100 cash, convinces the bartender to let him see his genie whereupon the bartender produces a small bottle and tells him to rub it.
Upon rubbing the bottle out pops a genie.
"You have one wish", says the genie.
"I'd like a million bucks!", blurts the man.
"Your wish is granted", says the genie who immediately disappears.
For a few seconds nothing happens then, POP! A duck appears at the end of the bar. Then, POP, POP, two more ducks appear. POP, POP, POP, three more. POP, POP, POP,...POP,POP,....POP, POP,... ducks start appearing everywhere.
"I think your genie's hard of hearing", says the man to the bartender.
"Tell me about it", replies the bartender. "Do you think I asked for an eleven inch pianist?"
