Light snow, low vis, winds howling off Lake Superior. Ahh yes, a perfect day for a flight test in Sault Ste. Marie!
Strapping into the manly Sault College Zlin, I glanced at the examiner next to me. She was portly, though not as round as myself, and smelled of a mixed, pleasant odour of Oil of Olay and Irish Spring. Her slightly graying locks and delicate mustache were interesting, but she was not my type.
Her name was Gail somethingorother that I couldn't pronounce. For some reason the other guys in class called her Gail Euphail, and would shudder at the thought of flying with her. I never got to talk to anyone who had tested with her before, because for some reason, all of the guys that flew with her left school.
The checklist item was Passenger Brief.
“Well ma'am, briefly, I'm a Virgo. I'm from southern Ontario. I like long walks at sunset. Star Trek, Star Wars, and mediaeval role playing games. I'm interested in airplanes. Especially the little doodads and whirly jigs, like the ELT which is located behind your seat in this plane. Actually, one time I was bored here at the hangar, took out the ELT, and busted it open with the fire-extinguisher here (I pointed to it). In my defence, I was a little hopped up on Dr. Pepper at the time. Man, parts of plastic went flying everywhere!” She'd love this funny story, I thought. “A piece of it went right up my nose! So I got the tweezers from the First Aid kit (pointed again), and pulled the plastic out of my nose. After that, I put both back in the plane, though- so no one would notice.”
The examiner didn't find that one funny. I could tell by her staring at me with a frown. Time to lighten things up with a story of daring airmanship.
“This other time. I had to take a piss really bad after landing. I mean it was an emergency! So I stopped on the runway, carefully opened the canopy using this latch here, walked back towards the tail, and pissed right under the plane-so the control tower wouldn't see, well, you know, my big dick.”
She looked at me differently now, and I saw her fill in this circle on the test sheet. I think it had a one in it.
Dryly she said, “Let's go.”
Cool! Man, I love flying.
We started off with a circuit and a beautiful, three point, tire squealing stop and go. Turning and burning in the circuit is great. I can't wait to do circuits in my jet when I graduate.
I was so happy to fly the plane. I didn't even know if anyone else was around until I levelled off at 5500 feet, when I looked at Gail, and asked if she wanted to see any upper air work. She thought a bit, and shaking her head in disbelief that I could be such a great pilot said, “Uh, no. Let's just go back to the airport. I've seen enough.”
Yeah, I tell ya, when you're as good as me, you don't even have to show it. People just know it.
It was quiet in the cockpit, as I flew with a big grin on my face. The examiner broke the silence, “So, what do you plan to do after this flight? As far as moving. My brother-in law rents U-Haul trucks. I can get you a discount. I'm sorry, but you just...”
I interrupted, “Well, I have a job guaranteed in Toronto once I graduate from Sault College- working at Air Canada. All I have to do is graduate, and the job's mine for the taking. I should be making about, oh, a hundred and fifty thousand a year to start, but that will go up.”
“Really? You'll actually work at Air Canada?” she inquired.
Sault College is the best school in Canada for direct entry into Air Canada. That just a fact, I've heard, so I'm a shoe-in!
“Oh yeah. Man, flying is great fun. I feel like a kid, even though I'm thirty-five.”
“You're thirty five, eh?”
“Yeah I'm thirty-five. I did a lot of other things before coming to Sault College. The house, the car, the great job.” Living in my parents' basement, driving Dad's old Crown Vic, and organizing the books at my buddy Phil's comic book shop was great. Alphabetical order is sooo easy, yet satisfying. “I just needed a change, and I think it's time for me to settle down, have some kids. I don't care if they're mine or not.” I'd be happy with adopting. But I can tell ya, no need for that!
“Uh, how many kids would you like?”
“Lots.. I mean..”
“I have four, and I'm divorced, and want to move to Toronto,” she interrupted.
I thought it was strange that she brought that up, but in the Soo, it seems like a normal way of conversing. Northern culture, I suppose.
“I don't care.” I said with a shrug.
“You don't mind?!?” she asked, perking up a lot.
“No, why would I care if you have kids, or if you were divorced? I hope I never get divorced.”
She was acting weird. Why would I care about her personal life? It was her job to give me my commercial licence, not babble like some idiot. I'd had enough, so I put her in her place.
“I know all about your situation, now let's just get back to the airport. I don't want to hear another word. You give me my commercial licence, I graduate, I get rich, and have my new wife and kids down in Toronto. Let's just do this. Now not another word!”
She was smiling now from ear to ear.
I landed using my patented “nose down” flaring technique, and taxied back to the hangar. As the examiner they call Gail Euphail, handed me my finished test results, she gave me a kiss on the cheek. Then with a quick jerk, she rolled out of the plane, rushed through the hangar, and waddled out to her car, waving like a schoolgirl at me the whole time.
I sat still in the plane watching the whole spectacle. I didn't understand, but looking at the test page, I saw PASS, and a note that read CALL ME! GAIL 555-9240. It had a little heart with an arrow through it too. I guess she wanted me to call her.
The wind whooshed around the canopy, and with a gust, rocked the plane ever so gently. I looked at the phone number again.
Sorry Gail, can't talk to you right now, there's someone else on the line.
It's destiny calling.
Passed the Commercial flight test!
Moderators: Sulako, lilfssister, North Shore, sky's the limit, sepia
Keep them coming
Steven King here we go! Once I finish reading and laughing from one part, I'm reading the next and laughing even more. Have you got through to Gail yet? Congrats on your Commercial! lol
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